Aaron Gander

Mindfulness and Depression

2010-04-28T10:02:00.001+01:00

Beyond Coping: An Mindfulness Exercise
by Matt Laughlin, MA.

You can apply today...

"The important thing is not the neurosis, but the man who has the neurosis. We have to set to work on the human being, and we must be able to do him justice as a human being."

Carl G. Jung1Jung is correct. The most important thing is not the depression, but the person who has depression. Among all the clients I work with, what I can say for certain is that the quality of each person's inner experience and their life situation is very unique.
Yet...
While treating depression is unique for each person, there are great general practices that can be helpful.
This is where mindfulness and depression practices have their relevance. While most mindfulness practices are designed to help you cope with the symptoms of depression, others reach deeper.
They address the collective aspects of the human psyche and simultaneously help you uncover and realize your unique, individual potential.
Applying mindfulness to depression isn't simply a technique. Its clinical value is a consequence of the context in which it is presented.
Before applying a mindfulness exercise for depression, guilt, worry, shame or any other depleting emotional state it is critical to acknowledge a central element of a successful mindfulness practice...
A contextualization of the nature of consciousness.

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Mindfulness and the Nature of Consciousness
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Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy (MBCT) and other psychological applications of mindfulness share two things in common. Each has roots in various wisdom traditions, and each asserts there is a difference between you and your thoughts.
A core aspect of mindfulness is becoming aware of one's sense of self, and our misleading tendency to identify ourselves as our body and/or mind. Numerous spiritual traditions make an essential distinction - we have a body and mind, but we are not the body and mind. One of the most powerful contextualizations of these distinctions is offered by psychiatrist, David R. Hawkins.

Body

Hawkins notes it is relatively easy, experientially, to realize that our inner sense of awareness and presence is not dependent on the body.2
How many times have you awoken with your arm or leg "asleep," only to find that while 20% of your physical body wasn't registering - your inner sense of self was unaltered?
As children we recall poking our arms that fell asleep, perhaps surprised that we didn't register any sensations. Yet our sense of "me" didn't change.
A common question highlighting this point is this...
If both legs were amputated, would your awareness of yourself - your inner sense of presence - be disturbed?
While a significant portion of the body may be missing entirely, or may not be registered in the mind, the core sense of 'I' or 'me', does not change in the slightest. As Hawkins notes, the sensations of the body are registered and experienced in a larger field of awareness commonly referred to as Mind.2

Mind

The mind, which registers the sensations of the body, is commonly assumed to be the locus of our sense of self and the source of our thoughts. If you think this is true, take one minute and cease thinking entirely...
Any luck?
If you tried this you noticed right away that the mind went on chattering of its own. If you were the mind, you could cease thinking at will.
What's more...
Practically speaking, in the context of mindfulness and depression, if you were the mind you could stop all negative, ruminating thinking at any moment.
Like the body, the mind is actually experienced in a still larger field of awareness2. And this is where the value of mindfulness practices comes in.

The Witness

What is it that watches and observes the content of the mind? How do you know what you are thinking? Depending on the tradition or psychological technique, there are many names used to describe this impersonal quality of human consciousness that watches the content of the mind. We will refer to it as the Witness.
Just as the sensations of the body are registered in the mind, the content of the mind is recognized in a larger field of awareness. This greater field is consciousness. As Hawkins notes, the song of a songbird would go unnoticed if not for the silent back drop of the forest.3 Similarly, our thoughts would go unnoticed if not for the silent field of human consciousness.
This is point is essential
Why? Because one of the greatest obstacles to overcoming depression is identifying your sense of self with your thoughts and feelings.
That which we are is far greater than our mind would tell us. If you're constantly swept up in your thoughts and negative feelings, and believe them to be true reflections of what you are, you naturally feel trapped and hopeless.
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Setting the Stage for a Mindfulness Practice
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The common inclination is to attempt to stop, shut down, control, deny and change all these thoughts, assuming this is the way to go about lifting yourself out of depression. A core tenet of a mindfulness approach to depression is to stop trying to do anything with your thoughts.A friend of mine once joked that practicing mindfulness or sitting in meditation is like picking up the phone and listening to a lunatic on the other line, only the lunatic is "you."
More accurately, this voice on the other line is the mind, and the "real you" is that which is aware of its chatter.
Mindfulness practices invite us to make friends with this worried, desperate person on the phone. We need not heed their advice or take what they have to say literally. Instead, we are to compassionately allow this person to be as they are.
As we allow the difficult sensations accompanying negative thoughts to come up and be experienced within, this voice on the other line gradually becomes more sane and reasonable.
In the modern spiritual classic, I Am That, one of the most celebrated sages of India, Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj, continuously invited visitors to simply watch their minds. As Maharaj suggests, simply watching the mind begins a process in which the nature of the mind and the corresponding emotional states change for the better.4 In other words, your task isn't to convince the upset person on the other end of the telephone line to change his ways. Instead, you are to watch and listen to him with as much compassion as you can muster.
The first step in a mindfulness exercise is to have the willingness to allow yourself to feel and experience what comes up once you cease attempting to change or control your thoughts.
Jung's famous quote, "What you resist persists" could not be more apt. And as Hawkins notes, "when you let go of resisting a thing, you disappear it."
Paradoxically, trying to overly analyze your negative thoughts or change your thinking may be a form of resistance. A mindfulness practice invites you to take your attention away from the specific content of thoughts and ruminations.
Instead you are to bring your awareness to the sensations within your body. As you do this you stop resisting the unconscious pain and fear that may need to be released and undone by experiencing it out.
A very useful metaphor commonly applied to a mindfulness psychotherapy process is to picture your repressed feelings and thoughts as residing in a compressed tank of propane gas. As you allow yourself to feel the sensations in your body that accompany sadness, worry and self-contempt you gradually open the valve of the tank. With time the intensity of difficult inner states diminishes and you no longer feel dominated by the next wave of painful thoughts and feelings.
I like this metaphor, because it is up to you to determine how much to open the valve at any time, and how long to leave it open. The good news is that there is only so much the tank can hold, and with time, it empties.
A final, classic analogy is useful to set the stage for a step-by-step mindfulness and depression practice...
The feelings and sensations in your body, like the thoughts in your mind, are all like the tumultuous waves on the surface of a vastly deep and calm ocean. Our tendency is to personally identify with the tumult of thoughts, feelings and sensations that collectively make up the waves on top of the ocean, forgetting that one mile below is an infinitely peaceful stillness, completely unaffected by the activity on the surface.3
The bottom of the sea is like the witness, that sane person on the telephone line listening to the desperate beliefs and thoughts of the mind. Naturally, if you identify with this irrational 'person' on the other line as you, you will feel scared. Yet, dis-identifying with the mind and simultaneously allowing it to rant, creates an empowering space to dwell in.
We know that in reality there is no way this desperate person on the other line can actually harm us - much like the bottom of the sea remains absolutely still and calm despite the waves above.
The Mindfulness Practice

Now that we've set the stage, let's turn to a mindfulness practice which helps diminish the intensity of difficult feelings, not by running from them, but by going into them and allowing them to run through you. For less intense emotions, you can apply this practice in ordinary daily activities.
Clinical Note- this practice is not for everyone. If you are having suicidal thoughts, are severely depressed, or have a history of trauma or abuse, do not apply this practice. It could potentially be harmful. In such cases, it is strongly suggested you seek support from a licensed, mental health professional.

References

1. Jung Carl G. 1966. The Practice of Psychotherapy: Psychotherapy and a Philosophy of Life. (Collected Works Vol. 16). Princeton, N.J.: Princeton University Press.
2. Hawkins, David R. 1987. DVD Lecture: Archival Office Series, A-10 Depression. Sedona, AZ: Veritas Publishing.
3. _______. 2002. "Realizing the Root of Consciousness: Meditative and Contemplative Techniques." Lecture 6, June. Sedona, AZ: Veritas Publishing.
4. Maharaj, Sri Nisargadatta. 1973. I Am That. Trans. By Maurice Frydman. Durham, NC: The Acorn Press.

Matt Laughlin, MA

Psychotherapist

303-929-3353

Contact Me

http://www.spirituscounseling.com/mindfulness-and-depression.html

Working with Unhelpful Thoughts

2010-02-23T08:36:00.000Z

Thoughts are unhelpful When:

We are biased against ourslves such as "I am useless"
We are focussing on the bad in the situation.
We are making negative predictions about the future
We are jumping to the worst possible conclusion
We are second guessing that others see us in a bad light
We are taking responsibility for things that are not our responsibility
We are setting impossible standards

Stop, Think and Reflect:
Lable each thought as just one of those unhelpful thoughts.
Visualise a stop signe, a door shutting, or an image fading away.
Move on, act against it, don't be put off from what you are doing.
Give yourself a compassionate response to conteract the self critical thinking.

You can let go of unhelpful thoughts easily by rating how valid it is. Think:
What actually happened? Is the thought based on feelings or facts?
Are you looking at the whole picture?
Does is really matter that much?
What would other people say if it happened to them?
What would you say to a friend who had this experience?
What would you say in 6 months time?

Always look for the evidence to support the negative beliefs/thoughts. Remember when you do this, it has to be absolute fact! No room here for grey areas. It has to be true beyond resonable doubt. Just as if you were in a court of law. You will be suprised actually how little evidence you will be able to find by applying this technique.

Always reframe the thought. Alter what you are constructing in your head. This will not only allow yourself to be kinder to tourself, but it will also begin to break down any habbits that you have developed surrounding thinking negatively.

This quote by Winston Churchill sums up the impact of negative thinking nicely.

"When I look back on all these worries I remeber the storey of the old man who said on his deathbed that he had a lot of trouble in his life, most of which never happened."
Winston Churchill

Free Online Therapy

2010-02-04T10:50:00.001Z

Is there such a thing as free online therapy? Actually, if you spend the time to look arround the net, there are some really good free resources available for many of the comman mental health problems experienced by us all. Much of what I have found, can be accessed through this blog. My thinking was to locate as many free resources associated with comman menatl health problems, and place them in one locality.

So what can be accessed free of charge? To date I have found free online CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) for Depression, Anxiety, Panic, Smoking and Diet issues. I have also located a site that enables individuals to talk ask questions with psychiatrists and psychologists directly. The brilliant thing is that it is completly free of charge.

Out side of the free CBT, I have also found countless forums that people can join to gain extra support and advice from others experiencing the same issues as themselves. This I believe is most important as for many people suffering with emotional and psychological problems, they feel alone and isolated.

Other exciting sites that I encountered offered free training courses. Via this blog you will find courses on NLP and Life Coaching. Both offering validated certificates and diplomas, and further self development courses covering emotional literacy and angermanagement.

I have also included sites that offer information surrounding mental health issues in gerneral, and sites that will inform you of the community based resources available in your area. Outside of this, there are free e-books and fun sites that allow you to measure you emotional intelligence, personality type, preferred learning style and much much more. I included these just for a bit of fun.

Again, every resource associated with this blog is available 24/7 and is completly free of charge. So spread the word and help yourself and others.

Voice Dialogue Course - Part 4

2010-01-26T17:00:00.001Z

Voice Dialogue Course - Part 4

The amazing work of Dr's hal and Sidra Stone

Introducing The Voice Dialogue Technique

It is so simple to make profound and ecstatic changes, once you understand that you are far more than you have ever considered yourself to be. Knowledge of the true form of your personality is the essential means to ensure your relationships will be filled with respect and love, and continue to grow in a way that is necessary for life long pleasure, and deep insight into the true nature of what you are.
The technique associated with Dr. Hal and Sidra Stone's Psychology of Selves system, is called 'Voice Dialogue', and it truly is the greatest tool to improve any relationship and allow both people to express all their potentials. It also gives you the means to understand other people at a very profound and insightful level.

Each subpersonality has its own way of expressing itself, it's 'voice', and with Voice Dialogue you learn to allow it to express itself. The dialogue is also able to tell you about your feelings, which you may be totally unaware of.
For example, I heard a statistic, by a psychiatrist, who said in his practice, 80 to 90 percent of relationships are out to revenge their parents, by using their partner as the substitute parent!
There are so many other drives that Hal and Sidra reveal. Imagine all the hidden motivations we have going on in our subconscious. What chance have we got to experience an ever deepening connection with anyone unless we understand our selves at a deep level?
Who really comprehends that they are a multi faceted being, a mixture of different potentials and qualities? Very few. Most of us only show our partners a small percentage of what is really going on inside ourselves.
When you understand the Voice Dialogue system, and you learn to hear your subpersonalities, your ability to express yourself rapidly increases. You feel empowered and amazed that you have so much more within yourself than you ever imagined.
With Voice Dialogue, you are able to grow yourself. You discover and 'unlock' your many selves along with your partners. It is truly the most fascinating, powerful and fun activity that you can have with that special person in your life. And the feelings of compassion, insight and closeness that grow in each session are amazing. It beats watching any movie!

The Unique Difference - The Aware Ego

Why take a chance with what is most important to you, when the solution has been discovered? Save yourself a lifetime of trying to work it out for yourself. Let the professionals, Hal Stone PhD and Sidra Stone PhD, the people who have given their lives to the study of it, explain it to you.
What makes Voice Dialogue stand out above all the other techniques and methods that you might have heard of? The system is totally unique, and it reveals a crucial faculty that sets it above the other methods available. It will show you how to develop a brand new faculty, called the 'Aware Ego' , which allows you to embrace all parts of yourself. You will see how to awaken those dormant potentials, and ways of expressing yourself, that will radically improve your life.
What is the Aware Ego?
A good metaphor for understanding it is that of an 'orchestra' which contains dozens of 'instruments'. The instruments of your mind are your subpersonalities or 'selves'. Through upbringing and conditioning by society, your self expression has been limited, and you use only a handful of the instruments in the orchestra of your personality. Not only that, these few instruments may be playing in a haphazard, uncoordinated way.
The Aware Ego, which is intentionally developed by understanding Voice Dialogue, is like the conductor. The Aware Ego, like the conductor, can bring forward the appropriate instrument as required, and has the choice of using the whole range of instruments in the orchestra. The orchestra of your personality can now play in tune, and to its full capacity.
This is the potential that awaits all those committed to their own personal growth.
I am sure you know you can be far more than you have been so far in your life. What you may not know is how to bring these inactive subpersonalities to the surface. The Voice Dialogue Series will show you how.

Benefits you gain from Voice Dialogue

These are common benefits gained from understanding Voice Dialogue.
how to grow closer in your personal relationships and marriage, and develop a relationship which gets better every year.
increase intimacy, experience real love and increase the heart connection with your partner
help your children fulfil their potentials and have happy and successful lives.
attract the right person to have a relationship with
uncover the real reasons why so many relationships go into a downward spiral and what to do about this
Understand why you may draw the same types of people again and again into your life, and what to do about it
become more attractive, as well as growing into a more whole and balanced person
discover how your energy levels, self-confidence, career, finances and creativity are created by your personality structure.
learn about the power of your mind over your health. Truly understand what body pains and symptoms may, in fact, mean and learn how to use them for greater health and vibrancy.
Create a flourishing career , earning a great income, doing what you love and living with a strong sense of purpose .
crack the code of your own dreams , and see how they can become a teacher for you
learn a powerful and unique self development technique that can deepen your relationships, communication abilities, and every aspect of your life

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Resource
For the full information about Dr Hal and Sidra Stone's DVD video/ CD audio set called The Voice Dialogue Series, click here http://www.bodymindinformation.com/

The series is a comprhensive coverage of their complete system. It benefits your relationships and communication abilities, feelings and emotions, health, self-confidence, career and financial life, creativity and dreams. The videos and audios will clarify so much about how your life can be a totally fulfilling experience.

Read this! 5 Steps to Boost Self Esteem

2010-01-18T13:38:00.000Z

Self-esteem: Boost your self-image with these 5 steps

Cognitive behavioural therapy techniques can help you unlearn thought patterns that contribute to low self-esteem. See examples of thoughts that can erode self-esteem and learn healthy substitutes.

By Mayo Clinic staff

Low self-esteem can negatively affect virtually every part of your life, including your relationships, your job and your health. But you can raise your self-esteem to a healthy level, even if you're an adult who's been harbouring a negative self-image since childhood.

Changing the way you think — about yourself and your life — is essential to boosting self-esteem. Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) techniques are especially helpful in changing unhealthy thinking and behaviour patterns. These techniques are based on the idea that your feelings and behaviour result from how you think about yourself and your life. Cognitive behavioural techniques can help you recognize, challenge and ultimately replace negative thoughts or inaccurate beliefs with more positive, realistic ones.

These five steps toward healthy self-esteem are based on cognitive behavioural therapy principles. As you go through these five steps, consider jotting down your thoughts, experiences and observations in a journal to help you use these steps more effectively.

Step 1: Identify troubling conditions or situations

Think about the conditions or situations that you find troubling and that seem to deflate your self-esteem, such as dreading a business presentation, frequently becoming angry or always expecting the worst. You may be struggling with a change in life circumstances, such as the death of a loved one, job loss or children leaving home, or a relationship with another person, such as a spouse, family member or co-worker.

Step 2: Become aware of beliefs and thoughts

Once you've identified troubling conditions or situations, pay attention to your thoughts related to them. This includes your self-talk — what you tell yourself — and your interpretation of what the situation means. Your thoughts and beliefs may be positive, negative or neutral. They may be rational — based on reason or facts — or irrational — based on false ideas.

Step 3: Pinpoint negative or inaccurate thinking

Notice when your thoughts turn toward the negative. Your beliefs and thoughts about a situation affect your reaction to it. Negative thoughts and beliefs about something or someone can trigger physical, emotional and behavioural responses, such as:

 Physical responses. These may include muscle tension, a sore back, racing heart, stomach problems, sweating or changes in sleeping patterns.

 Emotional responses. These may include difficulty concentrating, or feeling depressed, angry, sad, nervous, guilty or worried.

 Behavioural responses. These may include eating when not hungry, avoiding tasks, working more than usual, spending increased time alone, obsessing about a situation or blaming others for your problems.

Step 4: Challenge negative or inaccurate thinking

Your initial thoughts may not be the only possible way to view a situation. So test the accuracy of your thoughts. Ask yourself whether your view is consistent with facts and logic or whether there might be other explanations for the situation.

You may not easily recognize inaccuracies in your thinking, though. Most people have automatic, long-standing ways of thinking about their lives and themselves. These long-held thoughts and beliefs feel normal and factual to you, but many are actually just opinions or perceptions.

These kinds of thought patterns tend to erode self-esteem:

 All-or-nothing thinking. You see things as either all good or all bad. For example, "If I don't succeed in this task, I'm a total failure."

 Mental filtering. You see only negatives and dwell on them, distorting your view of a person or situation. For example, "I made a mistake on that report and now everyone will realize I'm not up to this job."

 Converting positives into negatives. You reject your achievements and other positive experiences by insisting that they don't count. For example, "I only did well on that test because it was so easy."

 Jumping to negative conclusions. You reach a negative conclusion when little or no evidence supports it. For example, "My friend hasn't replied to my e-mail, so I must have done something to make her angry."

 Mistaking feelings for facts. You confuse feelings or beliefs with facts. For example, "I feel like a failure, so I must be a failure." No matter how strong a feeling is, it isn't a fact.

 Self put-downs. You undervalue yourself, put yourself down or use self-deprecating humour. This can result from overreacting to a situation, such as making a mistake. For example, "I don't deserve anything better."

Step 5: Change your thoughts and beliefs

Once you've identified negative or inaccurate thinking you can replace it with accurate thoughts and beliefs. This can enable you to find constructive ways to cope, and give your self-esteem a boost.

It takes time and effort to learn how to recognize and replace distressing thoughts with accurate ones. Thoughts often occur spontaneously or automatically. They can they can be hard to control or turn off. Thoughts also can be very powerful and aren't always based on logic.

These strategies may help you:

 Use hopeful statements. Treat yourself with kindness and encouragement. Pessimism can be a self-fulfilling prophecy. That is, if you think your presentation isn't going to go well, you may indeed stumble through it. Try telling yourself things such as, "Even though it's tough, I can handle this situation."

 Forgive yourself. Everyone makes mistakes. Mistakes aren't permanent reflections on you as a person. They are isolated moments in time. Tell yourself, "I made a mistake, but that doesn't make me a bad person."

 Avoid 'should' and 'must' statements. If you find that your thoughts are full of these words, you may be putting unreasonable demands on yourself — or on others. Removing these words from your self-talk can give you and others more realistic expectations.

 Focus on the positive. Think about the good parts of your life. Ask yourself, "What things have gone well recently?" "What skills do I have to help me cope with challenging situations?"

 Relabel upsetting thoughts. Having negative thoughts doesn't mean you must choose to react negatively. Instead, think of them as signals to use new, healthy thinking patterns. Ask yourself, "What can I think and do to make this less stressful?"

 Encourage yourself. Give yourself credit for making positive changes. Tell yourself, "I did a good job on the presentation. It may not have been perfect, but my colleagues said it was good."

Achieving healthy self-esteem

With practice, these steps may come more easily to you. You'll be better able to recognize the thoughts and beliefs that are contributing to your low self-esteem. Because self-esteem can fluctuate over time, you may want to revisit these steps, especially if you begin to feel down on yourself again. Keeping a journal or daily log can help you track trouble spots over time.

Achieving a balanced, accurate view of yourself and accepting your value as a person can help you feel happier and more confident. And that may rub off on others too, including your children, family and friends.

Cognitive Behavioural Transactional Analysis

2009-12-31T10:34:00.000Z

When you look at the basics of Transactional Analysis, such as decontamination of the Adult ego state, what we see in reality is a cognitive process where by we as the practitioners attempt to help the client rationalise their thinking processes. Within this process our clients develop a greater sense of social control, enabling them to live healthier and more fulfilling lives.

The process of decontamination in essence is really what CBT practitioners call cognitive restructuring. This is a process whereby people are invited to take their delusional (Child Contamination), or prejudice (Parent Contamination) thoughts, and test them out against reality. CBT practitioners would call such thoughts Negative Automatic Thoughts.

Where CBT comes into it’s own, is that it defines the different forms of contaminations by describing particular thinking styles. Why is this helpful? Well such thinking styles can be as habitual as certain behaviour patterns. So if we can identify our particular thinking style, we gain insight into how we maintain our mood states, and associated behaviours.

Where Transactional Analysis stands alone in this process, is that it is the only model of psychotherapy that provides a structural image that visually represents what is occurring within our personality in times of difficulty. The combination of both auditory and visual learning also makes the learning surrounding this process really digestible for our clients. I often incorporate both models when working with clients within the IAPT program. The CBT in a sense provides a framework for the decontamination process, but Transactional Analysis provides the meat.

Take a look at the list of thinking styles listed below:

1. ALL-OR-NOTHING THINKING: You see things in black and white categories. If your performance falls short of perfect, you see yourself as a total failure.

2. OVERGENERALIZATION: You see a single negative event as a never-ending pattern of defeat.

3. MENTAL FILTER: You pick out a single negative detail and dwell on it exclusively so that your vision of all reality becomes darkened, like the drop of ink that discolours the entire beaker of water.

4. DISQUALIFYING THE POSITIVE: You reject positive experiences by insisting They “don’t count” for some reason or other. In this way you can maintain a negative belief that is contradicted by your everyday experiences.

5. JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS: You make a negative interpretation even though there are no definite facts that convincingly support your conclusions.

a. Mind Reading. You arbitrarily conclude that someone is reacting negatively to you, and you don’t bother to check this out.

b. The Fortune Teller Error. You anticipate that things will turn out badly, and you feel convinced that your prediction is an already established fact.

6. MAGNIFICATION (CATASTROPHIZING) OR MINIMIZATION: You exaggerate the importance of things (such as your goof-up or someone else’s achievement). Or you inappropriately shrink things until they appear tiny (your own desirable qualities or the other fellow’s imperfections). This is also called the “binocular trick.”

7. EMOTIONAL REASONING: You assume that your negative emotions necessarily reflect the way things really are: "I feel it, therefore it must be true."

8. SHOULD STATEMENTS: You try to motivate yourself with shoulds and shouldn’ts, as if you had to be whipped and punished before you could be expected to do anything. “Musts” and “oughts” are also offenders. The emotional consequence is guilt. When you direct should statements toward others, you feel anger, frustration,
and resentment.

9. LABELING AND MISLABELING: This is an extreme form of over-generalization. Instead of describing your error, you attach a negative label to yourself: “I’m a loser.” When someone else’s behaviour rubs you the wrong way, you attach a negative label to him: “He’s a damn louse.” Mislabelling involves describing an event with language that is highly colour and emotionally loaded.

10. PERSONALIZATION: You see yourself as the cause of some negative event which in fact you were not primarily responsible for.

[From: Burns, David D. Feeling Good. Morrow, 1980]

Contracting is also a fundamental component to the practice of classical Transactional Analysis. Contracts are important as they provide direction immediately within the psychotherapeutic process, and if I remember right, Berne believed that we should cure first, and analyse second. Again this is exactly the same process as adopted by CBT therapists, thought their contracts are called problem statements.

The process and ethos though are identical. Provide symptomatic relief, and cure within a minimal amount of sessions. Second to this, give clients homework associated with the learning and development of skills to enhance and reinforce growth.

Cognitive Behavioural Coaching

2009-12-30T12:29:00.000Z

COGNITIVE BEHAVIOURAL COACHING1

By Michael Neenan and Stephen Palmer

Introduction

The 'coaching culture' appears to be expanding rapidly in business and industry (Becket, 2000; Daily Telegraph, 2001; Smith, 2000). Coaching can be defined as 'the art of facilitating the performance, learning and development of another' (Downey, 1999: 15). Coaching can focus on any aspect of a person's life in assisting personal growth.

A number of different approaches to coaching exist (e.g. Fournies, 2000; Whitmore, 1996). Our favoured form of coaching is derived from the principles and practice of cognitive behaviour therapy (CBT) (Beck, 1976; Ellis, 1994). Cognitive behavioural approaches emphasize that how we react to events is largely determined by our views of them, not by the events themselves. Through examining and re- evaluating some of our less helpful views we can develop and try out alternative viewpoints and behaviours that may be more effective in aiding problem-solving (some individuals may object to the word 'problem' and, instead, see events in terms of challenges, issues, fine-tuning, etc.). We call CBT when used with non-clinical groups cognitive behavioural coaching (CBC). CBC 'does not offer any quick fixes to achieve personal change or ''magic away'' personal difficulties; it does emphasize that sustained effort and commitment are required for a successful outcome to your life challenges' (Neenan and Dryden, in press.)

CBC does not seek to give people the answers to their problems or difficulties, but through a collaborative process called guided discovery helps them to reach their own conclusions and solutions (in other words, whenever possible, we let people's brains take the strain of problem-solving). Guided discovery is based on Socratic questioning whereby the coach asks the person a series of questions in order to bring information into her awareness: 'therefore, Socratic questions are designed to promote insight and better rational decision making. Questions should be phrased in such a way that they stimulate thought and increase awareness, rather than requiring a correct answer' (Beck et al., 1993: 103). Previously, what may have been a closed or constricted system of thinking in relation to tackling a particular difficulty is now transformed into an open or flexible system of identifying a number of problem-solving strategies.

CBC is time-limited, goal-directed and focused on the here and now (historical material, if used, is examined to provide valuable lessons to help guide current behaviour and decision-making). Though the primary aim of coaching is to help individuals develop action plans for change, it also encourages them 'to increase self-awareness of thinking, moods and emotions' (Becket, 2000). For example, if an individual is procrastinating over making a career change, it is likely that anxiety is fuelling her procrastination (e.g. 'I must

1 First published in Stress News, July 2001, Vol.13 No3.

be absolutely sure that I've made the right move. If my decision backfires, my life will be in ruins'). In this case, an action plan would also include tackling the person's anxious thinking.

The ultimate goal of CBC is for individuals to become their own coaches, though intermittent booster sessions can be arranged once the coaching programme has ended. (In industry, we have found that a few key personnel who have undergone coaching programmes can then deliver cascade coaching to others within the organization; teaching others is an excellent way of maintaining one's own coaching skills.) The number and length of sessions depends on the person's requirements: for example, one hour weekly sessions to tackle an ongoing problem or a marathon three hour session to deal with performance anxiety regarding an imminent public speaking engagement. With regard to performance anxiety, we help people to distinguish between performance interfering thoughts (PITS) and performance enhancing thoughts (PETS) - we have a variety of rhyming acronyms for specific problem areas! Coaching can be conducted face-to-face, by telephone or e-mail (particularly if clients are in other parts of the world).

A model of problem-solving

Presenting individuals with a problem-solving model to follow may seem at first glance to stifle their creativity but thinking things through in a structured and systematic way actually encourages it. Wasik (1984) has proposed a seven-step problem-solving sequence and accompanying questions that people can ask themselves at each step:

Steps

Questions/Actions

1. Problem identification

What is the concern?

2. Goal selection

What do I want?

3. Generation of alternatives

What can I do?

4. Consideration of consequences

What might happen?

5. Decision making

What is my decision?

6. Implementation

Now do it!

7. Evaluation

Did it work?

This seven step model will now be demonstrated by using an example from our coaching practice.

Step 1: Problem identification

Brian (not his real name) was presenting an important paper at a conference in a few weeks' time and was feeling anxious about it. The 'it' needed to be explored in order to make the problem clear and precise:

Coach: What exactly is the 'it': presenting the paper or something else?

Brian: It's the shaking. The audience will see my hands shaking and think I'm a nervous wreck. I won't be able to control the shaking.

Coach: You state the problem as if there is nothing you can do about the shaking. How could you restate the problem in ways that suggest change is possible?

Brian: Presently, I find it difficult to control my shaking when speaking to audiences.

Step 2: Goal selection

Coach: What would you like to achieve with regard to your shaking?

Brian: To control it so my hands shake less or not at all.

Coach: And if neither of those goals could be achieved by the time of the conference?

Brian: To accept the shaking without getting too worried about it.

Step 3: Generation of alternatives

Brian was encouraged to come up with as many solutions as possible to his problem no matter how stupid or ludicrous they initially sounded; in other words, to brainstorm. The coach can suggest some solutions if the person has difficulty generating them. The solutions proposed by Brian were:

a. 'Keep my hands in my pocket the whole time if possible.'

b. 'Not present the paper. Pretend I'm ill.'

c. 'Mention my nervousness to the audience to justify the shaking just before I give my paper. Get it out of the way.'

d. 'Take tranquillisers.'

e. 'Accept that my hands shake. So what?'

f. 'Make a joke every time my hands shake.'

g. 'Give the paper and see what happens rather than automatically assuming the conference will turn out badly for me.'

Step 4: Consideration of consequences.

This involved Brian considering the advantages and disadvantages of each solution generated from the brainstorming session. Brian rated the plausibility of each possible solution on a 0-10 scale (0 = least plausible to 10 = most plausible).

a. 'I would look pretty stiff and awkward if I did that. I can't avoid using my hands while presenting the paper.' 2

b. 'That sounds good initially but that would be running away and make it much harder to go before an audience at a later date. A non- starter.' 0

c. 'That might release some tension but it might also suggest I'm asking for their sympathy. A double-edged sword.' 3

d. 'I don't want the chemical way out. I might come across as somewhat dulled.' 4

e. 'I like the sound of this one very much and can see the benefits I would reap.' 9

f. 'This might bring too much unwanted attention to my shaking.' 3

g. 'This is a reasonable way to approach the conference.' 7

Step 5: Decision-making

Brian chose steps e and g though he said if these steps were unsuccessful he might choose the tranquillisers (step d) as a last resort. How, he enquired, was he supposed to learn to accept the fact that his hands shook when he usually demanded 'they must not shake'? (PIT).

Coach: What happens when you say that to yourself?

Brian: It just continually reminds me that I can't control the shaking, I get worried and then my hands shake even more.

Coach: So in order to gain control over your shaking, what do you need to give up?

Brian: Stop demanding that my hands must not shake. Just let it happen and don't get alarmed about it.

Coach: Exactly. What happens when you try to hide it from others?

Brian: I feel awkward and self-conscious. So try and be natural around others. My shaking is part of me, that sort of thing. But what happens if people smirk at me or think I'm a nervous wreck.? How do I control that?

Coach: Well, what can you control and what can you not? Brian: I can't control their smirking or what they might think about me but I can control or choose how I respond to it and how I think about myself.

Coach: That's it in a nutshell.

Brian: Let's get going then.

Step 6: Implementation

In the next few weeks, Brian said he no longer tried to hide or control his hands shaking and explained to others that he got nervous in front of audiences both large and small - 'My first step towards accepting the problem and myself for having it'. He said he would like to have a 'rehearsal' before the actual conference. The coach arranged with his colleagues for Brian to present a paper to them. Feedback was given regarding his performance such as not gripping the lectern too tightly and having more sips of water to avoid his voice cracking. A video of the rehearsal was made so Brian could see both his strengths and weaknesses and also re-evaluate more accurately his overall performance: 'Not as bad as I thought. It's hard to be objective about yourself when you're actually doing the talk and thinking you are coming across as a nervous wreck', he concluded.

Step 7: Evaluation

Brian said that the strategies of 'giving up demands for control in order to gain control and striving for self-acceptance had worked a treat' (he never did resort to tranquillisers). While he had been nervous and his hands did shake at times, his major focus had been on presenting the paper rather than his own discomfort. On the lectern was a message encapsulating his new outlook: 'If I shake, so what?' (PET).

If the proposed solution has been successful, then the person can select another problem he wishes to tackle and follow steps 1-6 again. It is important to tackle methodically one major problem at a time rather than several problems simultaneously. As Butler and Hope (1996: 69) point out, 'Remember the 80:20 rule: 80% of difficulties are due to 20% of problems. If you tackle, one by one, the few most important problems, you will be overcoming a disproportionately large number of problems' (original authors' italics).

Once the person becomes adept at using the seven-step model, he may want to use a shorter model to quicken the problem-solving process. For example, STIR and PIE:

Select problem

Problem definition

Target a solution

Implement a solution

Implement a solution

Evaluate outcome

Review outcome

These shorter models of problem-solving are usually used for rapid processing of a problem in order to deal with a crisis or make a quick decision. With these shorter models, deliberation is exchanged for speed, so a less satisfactory outcome may be experienced by the person.

Excessive emotional interference

Sometimes during the coaching process, the person may become so emotionally upset that she 'gives up' on the model or her ability to focus on it is significantly impaired. If

this emotional interference occurs, the coach can employ the ABCDE sequence of emotional management (Neenan and Dryden, 2000):

A = activating event - stops working on the solution chosen at step 5

B = distress-producing beliefs - 'Sorting things out shouldn't be this bloody difficult! Nothing seems to be working. Why the hell bother? It's all a waste of time.'

C = consequences: emotion - anger and despair behaviour - agitation and withdrawal

D = self-disputing - 'If I don't sort things out, I'll end up with more problems, not less. Now get back on track and give up these silly ideas that change should be quick and easy. If it's taking longer and harder than expected, too damn bad!'

E = effective reduction in anger and despair which enables the person to return to persisting with her proposed solution at step 5

When the person's emotional distress has ameliorated, then she can resume following the problem-solving model; it is pointless to try and follow the model when the client is emotionally upset (if there is no amelioration in her emotional state, then a referral to a clinical specialist is indicated).

Conclusion

CBC is based on a collaborative relationship that helps individuals to focus on problem-solving in a structured and systematic way. Using a Socratic approach encourages individuals to 'pull out' from themselves problem-solving strategies rather than have them handed over by the coach. Drawing on and adding to their existing skills helps individuals to build greater self-reliance and confidence in managing change in their lives. Previously, some difficulties may have seemed formidable, even insuperable, but now they can be managed or resolved within the problem-solving frameworks described in this article.

References

Beck, A. T. (1976) Cognitive Therapy and the Emotional Disorders. New York: New American Library.

Beck, A. T., Wright, F. D., Newman, C. F. & Liese, B. S. (1993) Cognitive Therapy of Substance Abuse. New York: Guilford.

Becket, M. (2000) 'Coach class, top class', Daily Telegraph, 19th October.

Butler, G. & Hope, T. (1996) Manage Your Mind. Oxford University Press. Daily Telegraph (2001) 'A coach to change your life', 25th January.

Downey, M. (1999) Effective Coaching. London: Orion Business Books.

Ellis, A. (1994) Reason and Emotion in Psychotherapy, revised and updated. New York: Birch Lane Press.

Fournies, F. F. (2000) Coaching for Improved Work Performance. New York: McGraw-Hill.

Neenan, M. & Dryden, W. (2000) Essential Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy. London: Whurr.

Neenan, M. and Dryden, W. (2002) Life Coaching: A Cognitive Behavioural Approach. London: Brunner-Routledge.

Smith, J. (2000) 'Coaching and mentoring', Stress News, the Journal of the International Stress Management Association (UK), 12 (2), 12-14.

Wasik, B. (1984) Teaching Parents Effective Problem-Solving: A Handbook for Professionals. Unpublished manuscript. Chapel Hill: University of North Carolina.

Whitmore, J. (1996) Coaching for Performance. London: Nicholas Brealey Publishing.

Address for correspondence:

Centre for Coaching

156 Westcombe Hill

Blackheath

London, SE3 7DH

http://www.centreforcoaching.com

admin@centreforcoaching.com

Michael Neenan is Honorary Vice President of the Association for Coaching and a Director of the Association for Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy. He is Associate Director of the Centre for Coaching, London, UK. His books include Life Coaching: A Cognitive Behavioural Approach.

Professor Stephen Palmer PhD is Honorary President and Fellow of the Association for Coaching and Director of the Centre for Coaching, London, UK. He is Vice President and Fellow of both the Institute of Health Promotion & Education, and the International

Stress Management Association (UK). He has written and edited 25 books including his recent self-coaching book, Creating a Balance: Managing Stress. He was featured in the Independent on Sunday Top Brass article on the 10 leading coaches

Voice Dialogue Course - Part 3 - Relationships

2009-12-30T09:24:00.000Z

Voice Dialogue Course - Part 3

The Extraordinary Work of Drs Hal & Sidra Stone

Drs. Hal and Sidra Stone are world-renowned clinical psychologists who specialise in personality and relationships. They are brilliant, insightful, and rational, and have taken the whole field of psychology and personal growth to a new level.

Why do you attract certain people into your life?
Remember, all the surface subpersonalities you have are called the 'Primary Selves'. Those which are buried, the subconscious subpersonalities, are called the 'Disowned Selves' . They still live in your subconscious, motivating you, even though you are completely unaware of them.
Now, here is the crucial law of your mind. This is the secret of human life - that which you disown and bury in your subconscious mind, you attract into your life.
So, if you find someone incredibly fascinating, it is because you have an identical fascinating self within you, but it is buried. As you can't bring it to the surface of your own mind at the moment, you seek it out in others and temporarily gain a feeling of "integration" within yourself.
If you look at this very carefully, it is the key to who you are attracted to, in all areas of your life. An example would be a very hard-nosed, tough, ruthless businessman, who has suppressed into his subconscious, his feminine side, with its gentleness, caring and sensitivity. He will find himself fascinated and strongly attracted to a very feminine woman, who has as her primary selves, gentleness, caring and sensitivity.
She too, if she has suppressed and disowned her tough, hard nosed qualities, will find him attractive, because he represents to her, everything she is disowning in her own personality.
In other words, his primary selves match her disowned selves exactly, and her primary selves match his disowned selves exactly. They are what is called a 'perfect match' .
Or, you may know someone who has difficulty with money, and discover that they find someone who is financially disciplined and decisive, very impressive. Or someone who is fearful and lacking in confidence will find a courageous person extremely attractive.
The list goes on and on. When you discover the Psychology of Selves system, you can understand other people in a way that sets you apart from everyone else.
You now have access to exactly why people behave as the do in relationship. Of course it is much deeper than that, as Hal and Sidra will explain.
What you realize, is that nobody is a single personality .
If you believe that, then you will be unprepared when your partner suddenly starts to express themselves in a totally different way.
Sometimes, when a partner does this, it seems almost as if a new person is in the relationship with you. Which, in a way, is in fact true, because each subpersonality is a person it itself. It can be a shock, a surprise or a relief, to find there is more to your partner than you originally realised.
Interestingly, many lawyers, specialising in divorce, say the most common remark people give about their partners, when asking for a divorce is: 'I never really knew they were like that' or 'I never knew they were really like that underneath'.
Their partner had suddenly started to express himself or herself in a new and different way. The person did not realise the partner was merely expressing another self. It wasn't that they were 'really like that'. They were no more the particular self they were expressing, than the original one they were used to. They did not understand this, and thought they had married the wrong person.
Had they had the benefit of understanding Hal and Sidra Stone's discoveries, and used the correct processes, their relationship would have grown closer and more loving. All these difficult events that drew them apart, in fact, could have been used to communicate in a far deeper and more fulfilling way.
So, before you can successfully relate with another person, at a powerfully satisfying and meaningful level, you need to become conscious of which of these selves you are expressing, at any particular time.
Express All Parts of Yourself

The Joy of Relationship
In a long-term relationship, you have the opportunity to express many more of your different subpersonalities. Instead of this being a difficulty, it becomes a great benefit to you both. You are not going to be stuck with some one dimensional lemon all your life.
You, and the person you are with, whether you both realise it or not, are filled with a vast smorgasbord of selves, each one a whole person in itself, with all its own history, memories, agendas, desires, emotions, abilities and ways of behaving.
Many of them are deeply interesting and fun filled. Others are serious and sad, attractive and energised. Some are fascinating and wise. There are countless different types that make you up. It is these different selves that good actors get in touch with, when they play different roles.
This is the joy of relationship - discovering your own and your partner's selves, and letting them express themselves as they wish. It is truly enriching and fulfilling in ways that are stunning and powerful. It is known as the path of consciousness. To experience your True Self, you have to know your 'selves' first.
It is vitally important that you understand how your personality is made up. Because when you enter into a relationship, you are arriving with a group of selves Ã¢â‚¬â€œ as is your partner. So it is actually two groups of people getting together - and let's hope that a few of them get on!
Not knowing this, is an unwise way to live, because your life will be limited, your personal relationships unfulfilling, and your creative and expressive powers blocked and sabotaged. It is the cause of most confusions in relationships.
You will also be using up a lot of energy to suppress the disowned selves, and that will make you less attractive. The word attractive has (attr -) active in it. To be attractive, you have to have an active energy system. It is your energy which attracts other people to you, and keeps them there.
In Part 4, you will discover how understanding Hal and Sidra Stone's work can transform you and your life.....
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Resource

The complete work of Drs Hal and Sidra Stone has been produced onto a brilliant DVD video/CD audio set called The Voice Dialogue Series .
Discover how Hal and Sidra's life work will benefit your relationships and communication abilities, feelings and emotions, health, self-confidence, career and financial life, creativity and dreams. Click here to read about how your life can be a fascinating and deeply interesting experience.
To find out more, visit http://www.bodymindinformation.com

Free online resources

2009-12-24T09:51:00.002Z

Merry Christmass to everyone reading this blog. This blog is dedicated to the promotion and developement of peoples emotional and psychological well being. Every resource on this blog is free to use. I have tried as much as possible to find resources that tackle the majority or common mental health issues such as anxiety, depression, panic disorder and many others.

I would greatly appreciate it if people would not only access the resources available, but also promote this blog with others. After all, the more people that access this blog, the more people helped.

There is computerised CBT to be accessed, online forums, psychiatrists free of charge to answer questions, self help booklets, free information on common mental health problems, telephone support and much much more.

Problem Solving

2009-12-14T13:49:00.000Z

Here is a very fast and effective way of problem solving any situation.

Step 1. Identify the problem to be solved. Be careful not to over complicate the problem. If there is more than one problem to be solved in any given situation, break the situation down into separate issues and apply the same principles outlined.

Step 2. List as many solutions as possible. It dosn't matter how rediculous they may seem, just write them down.

Step 3. Give each of the solutions a score from 0-100. The higher the score, the more effective you believe the solution to be.

Step 4. Place the list into a hierachy, starting with the solution which scores highest, moving down to the solution scoring the least.

Step 5. Start at the top of the list with the solution scoring the highest, and work down.

The beauty of this meathod is that there is always a solution to follow. If the first solution dosn't give you the results that you are looking for, you can move down to the next solution on the list.

This is a CBT technique that really promotes the growth of the Adult ego state by enabling individuals to employ creative thinking. The more that you practice, the more effective you will become within this model of conflict resolution.

Voice Dialogue Course - Part 2

2009-11-23T10:18:00.001Z

The amazing work of Dr Hal and Sidra Stone

Your Personality is Made up of Many Parts

Let us see why the work of Hal and Sidra Stone is so amazing. They have examined all the necessary factors to create real understanding of relationship and personal growth. Let's see what they say about the reality of your personality. Once you get this, it will open up a whole new realm of knowledge for you, which you can put into practice to gain immediate benefits.

Your personality is a multi-faceted faculty. It is made up of many different parts, each with its own identity and individuality. You can see this multitude of different selves in your own life.
The way you relate to your lover is different to the way you relate to your parents. The way you relate to your boss is different to the way you relate when you are out socialising with friends. The energy you feel when you are making love is different to the one you express when you are playing sport or studying for an exam.
Previously, it was thought that these were just different expressions of one personality structure, but now we know, thanks in particular to the work of Drs. Hal and Sidra Stone, that you are made up of myriads of actual individual structures called "selves" or "subpersonalities" , that, together, make up what we refer to as the personality.
By the way, this is nothing to do with a split personality, which is a clinical condition usually based on severe trauma in early childhood. This is the normal state of every human being, even though very few know of it.
It is the force of survival that builds your personality. From infancy onwards, you spontaneously expressed yourself in a variety of behaviours: anger, laughter, excitement, fear, enthusiasm, sadness and so on. When you were appreciated and acknowledged for a particular behaviour, by those who bring you up, you retain it. When your behaviour is not appreciated or rejected, your mind buries that behaviour into your subconscious.
For instance, if you were praised by a parent for great school work, you keep that behaviour of a good student. It becomes a 'self' , or more accurately, a subpersonality . This is what allows you to do your school work.
Each mode of expression, each behaviour you have, is an individual 'self'. You have many different 'selves', such as a Perfectionist, an Analyst, an Inner Critic, a Pusher, a Clown, a Slave, a Pleaser, a Humorist, an Aggressor, a Manipulator, a Sports person, a Couch Potato, a Playful one and so on.
There is a whole range of possibilities. Think for a moment how would you describe yourself and your behaviours? When you do this, you are describing your subpersonalities . And, the ones you keep at the surface of your mind, due to your upbringing, are called 'Primary Selves'. Hal and Sidra Stone's brilliant "Psychology of Selves" system describes this perfectly. It has become the recognized standard in many schools of psychology.
You also have those selves which you tried to express, but were rejected. If you expressed anger, and that was frowned upon, or you were punished for it, then you may avoid expressing anger. The angry self is suppressed, maybe bursting to the surface, years later in life, at inopportune times. Or, perhaps as an adult, you always feel angry inside and you don't know why. Many of these rejected selves are emotionally negative, such as sadness, frustration and resentment.
There are also others you have, which are actually amazingly powerful and creative. But, when you were young, these were never encouraged or nurtured. So they stay buried in your subconscious. These are called the 'Disowned Selves' . You are filled with undreamed of potentials. It is extraordinary the power and abilities you have within you, which can be released by the keys revealed by Drs. Hal and Sidra Stone.
In Part 3, you will finally discover why you attract certain people into your life, and how to enrich your relationships.

If you are interested in finding out about Dr Hal and Sidra Stone's video/audio set called The Voice Dialogue Series, visit this website http://www.bodymindinformation.com

The Voice Dialogue Course - Part 1

2009-10-22T14:58:00.000+01:00

Welcome to

The Voice Dialogue Course - Part 1

The Extraordinary Work of Drs Hal & Sidra Stone

Drs. Hal and Sidra Stone are world-renowned clinical psychologists who specialise in personality and relationships. They are brilliant, insightful, and rational, and have taken the whole field of psychology and personal growth to a new level.
Their relationship and personal growth knowledge is completely different from what you may have heard before, and over the next 5 lessons you will learn all about it, and the benefits it holds for relationships and your life.
How Your Personality is formed -

The Key to Understanding Your Relationships and Life

Very briefly, what Hal and Sidra teach, is that when you were born, you were completely vulnerable, a helpless infant, dependent upon others to feed, clothe, protect and nurture you. If you are properly cared for, you are filled with joy. Your little being radiates unconditional love.
In fact you are still today radiating unconditional love, because it is what you are at essence. But your ability to express real love has been severely suppressed and blocked by what has happened to you.
As you grew, you realised, through direct experience, that the world was not filled with unconditionally loving beings. Many people, including those close to you, were stressed and expressed negative emotion.
The daily chores were too much for them, or they were not particularly intelligent and, perhaps in their own minds, felt they were losing at the game of life. In this state they often became despondent, angry and full of pain. They may have tried to hide it from you, but you, with your young mind, could see what was really going on.
Or they may have even used you as a dumping ground for their negativity and frustrations. You may have been abused, physically, emotionally or psychologically. As well, you found that the world itself was full of dangers, not only from the natural world, but also from the products of "civilization", such as cars, electricity, kitchen stoves & so on.
You had to defend yourself. This is how we all survive.
You did this by building up an "energetic shield" in your system that became your protection for your survival and wellbeing. You had to protect the "vulnerable child" you began your life as.
This protective covering, which is called your personality , contains both positive and negative behaviours, and everything in between. It is what you use to express yourself, it is the mask you wear, and communicate through in all your relationships.
The word 'personality' comes from the Latin word 'persona', which literally means mask. You experience this as your 'personness' or 'personality'. So your personality is just a mask worn by your true Self. There is nothing right or wrong about this, it is just the way life is for everyone.
You may not realize it, but your mind remembers just about everything, and you have, stored within your subconscious, all the parts of yourself you have ever or never expressed.
The first key for true success in all areas of your life, is for you to understand your personality and embrace, or accept, all of it . By doing so you become fully conscious of all parts of your being, and can therefore experience what you truly are .
This self discovery is the great opportunity of relationship. And only this will give you excellent relationships. In fact, it is the true purpose of relationship. All problems in relationship arise because people hold onto identifying with, and protecting, the personality, and never experience what they truly are, the Self. And this blocks their ability to feel real love, because they are out of touch with the essence of their being, the True Self.
You cannot help but take yourself and your past experiences, into a relationship. However there is a system which the Stones have discovered, that gives you the tools to use your old patterns as stepping stones to love, growth and freedom, rather than alienation and closing down from your partner, which eventually leads to separation.
In Part 2, coming next, you will discover that your personality has many different parts or 'subpersonalities', which explains how you have become the person that you are, and how you have created your life. You will also discover several different examples of subpersonalities.